๑۩۞۩๑ hideaway ๑۩۞۩๑

the gavel is down. i’m putting an end to this.

as i have previously said, i would like to think that i am a relatively good person; for when you place everyone in the universe side by side, i will still definitely fall on the "good" side of the spectrum. but, as human nature dictates, i will fight back, especially when you push me against a wall.

my tolerance level is quite high, as evidenced by the number of temper explosions i have prevented, the kindness i still show to the undeserving jerk from my past, the restraint i exercise inspite of the mocking nudges i get from my friends urging me to speak my mind, and most especially the length of time i spent putting up with you and your lies.

in my world, everything revolves around me. it’s all about how I am as a person, living my life the best way I know how. it’s about how I manage to stay honest and true to myself and to others. it’s about how I offer and present myself to the people whose lives I aspire to touch. it’s about how I deal with my own pain and rejection and still manage to keep my head above water with arms flailing and how I dog-paddle to shore, drenched to the bone, weary and lonely, but still thankful to have gone through the whole ordeal. it’s about how I respect other people’s personal space, their opinions, the way they carry on with their own lives, their relationships and their self-expression. it’s about how I express genuine fondness and concern, even if it’s sometimes difficult. it’s about how I try every single day to give justice to who I am, and to the person who is a reflection of the values and traits that my parents have instilled in me. and most importantly, it’s about how I respect my own person, taking care that I put value and importance to my self, and be the best me that I can become.

in my world, i try my best not to lie to myself and to others. i admit my faults and weaknesses, and in fact embrace them. i do not make up stories to make other people believe that my life is more colorful than it really is, and i do not live in a fantasy world where men fall all over me. my relationship is far from perfect, but i have a real actual living breathing significant other; i do not have an imaginary boyfriend. as i said, i try to respect other people’s whatever, so if this is how other people cope with stress, depression, a broken heart or a sad life or whathaveyou, so be it. i keep my mouth shut.

in my world, i present myself to others without any frills. what you see is what you get, and what you don’t see, i’d gladly show you. i am, have always been, and probably will always be a fun-loving, charming, nice girl. but i have never, never, never ever claimed to be an angel. with that said, i can be a biatch. i always give the other person the benefit of the doubt, and i give my trust up front. i do not feign affection, nor do i pretend to know more than what i actually know. so do not goad me, i can get nasty on you.

in my world, i respect other people’s individuality. i believe that i am better than some in a few aspects, and i know my strengths. but i do not act all high-and-mighty, only to make a fool of myself landing face down. i learn from my mentors, and have never ever had any fantasies that i will become better than them. what they have shared to me is only a portion of what they know, and if i choose to cultivate the knowledge that they have imparted, it is my choice, should be my calling, in fact. but i will never look at it as being "better" than them, "different" maybe. which is something that you are sadly not.

in my world, i respect other people’s personal spaces and relationships, and i am genuine and non-hypocritical. when i express fondness, or annoyance, or glee, it is what it is. i accept things offered to me to be all in good faith. i seldom make assumptions, and i take things at face value. so it always comes as a surprise to me when i get stabbed in the back, or when someone turns out to be different from the one i thought i knew. so i will not take any crap about having good intentions, i can see through you; you never had them in the first place. i give value to human relationships. thus, i do not befriend other people, only to pounce on their partners behind their backs. i do not pretend to be happy for a couple finding each other, when i had my sights set on the man and offer myself butt-naked to him at the earliest chance i get. if rejected, please do get a f*cking clue. and i do not flirt (or do unprintable things) with strangers and attached men. i respect myself a lot to do that.

in my world, i place a lot of value on myself. because by doing so, i know that others will respect me as well. i do not take sleazy pictures of myself, nor do i peddle my body like some cheap merchandise. i do not have shower/room/whatevermates who obviously wish to stay as far away from me as possible. and i have never asked a guy to pretend to be my boyfriend, not even for a day. i do not make blatantly sexual advances, and if i would, i’d know that it’s time to stop when i see the nasty grimace on the advancee’s face, freaking out at the thought. i am not an insufferable know-it-all, i don’t feel that i’m better than most, i surround myself with people who genuinely love me and care for me (because there are a lot of them) and i don’t talk about myself all the time. and yes, this is coming from someone who believes that everything revolves around her. in her world.

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i tend to go on and on when i’m in an emotional crest. and now that i’m a bit calm, enough with the tzsuj.

a friend commented on the above entry being too whiny and wimpy, so here’s his grand slam: "you don’t have good intentions, sweetie. don’t fool yourself. you can never be better. your jealousy won’t get you far enough to where she is now… and your ignorance won’t lead you to the knowledge that you’ll never achieve. and your self-pity, just like your lies, hold you steady, dragging you down."

and here’s mine: "the healing is in the fire. go fix your life. and maybe, just maybe, a change in perspective will finally remove that permasmirk on your face. create a good day."