๑۩۞۩๑ hideaway ๑۩۞۩๑

i saw a puddle on the road and found myself staring at a gasoline rainbow. it embodied much of the recent events in my life that i got so melancholic and had to fight the strongest urge to hunch into the fetal position and allow sleep to temper the dull but insistent throbbing from somewhere within my chest.

to ease my pain, i picked up a pen and paper to document a stream of consciousness from the yearnings of my soul. for a perennial child who still makes shampoo mohawks in the shower, plunging me into a position where i would have to choose between being a person with my dream and being with my dream person is deeply unnerving. everything used to be so simple; life’s complexity seems absurd. and my paralysis of indecision burns my spirit trickle by trickle. my lucidity is challenged; this is intense, this is cryptic.

i used to know where to go; my direction clear; my rainbow, a perfect arch against a clear blue backdrop. i knew i was leaving — out to conquer the world and have a piece of everything. and being a true wanderlust, the promise of experience has always fueled me.

but, just like a rainbow, my firm resolve and conviction slowly lost its luster, fading. when he came into my life, it couldn’t have gotten any better. i always thought that we would share everything together. a firm believer of love’s union, i weaved my essence into the fabric of his being. but he is a separate entity, with desires drastically different from mine. i was sadly mistaken.

i recognize his individuality, respect his dreams. i have to go, he has to stay. and no compromise can be devised for this to work. i feel like my dream has become more of a hindrance to the realization of a potentially blissful relationship. but i still have to go, the beckoning of the world pulls strongly. and just as strong is the desire to put down roots. so lost, so uncertain, immobilized by hesitancy. frozen between two tines, not wanting to take a single step, both junctions heavy with implications. my love for self deeply ingrained in whichever judgment i make.

i have nowhere else to go but kneel down and pray. for enlightenment. absolution. grace. freedom from making any decision.

so now my rainbow ceases to be a wonderfully splendid multi-colored semi-circle, resembling more a gasoline rainbow, formless on a muddied puddle on the ground.