๑۩۞۩๑ hideaway ๑۩۞۩๑

an ex’s brother contracted bacterial meningitis one christmas ago, and he has not completely recovered his memory since. much like ‘50 first dates’, he cannot remember a whole lot of things, and he doesn’t have short-term memory. in short, he has no yesterdays.

though thinking about 50 first dates would incite emo-ness, it saddens me to know that he cannot remember classmates, occasions, relatives, friends, et al. and it got me thinking about my memorabilious memorrific memories that i cannot imagine losing.

so i list them down, in no particular order.      just in case.

* making peace with the only man with whom i had hang-ups. setting: circuit resto. christmas 05. i had the general feeling of intense hatred then letting go of anger. then peace. sublime peace. then tears, then love.
* travels with mom. zamboanga. davao. general santos. iligan. cagayan de oro. cebu. tacloban. leyte. tuguegarao. aparri. baguio. laguna. tagaytay. batangas. pangasinan. hong kong. china. australia.
* talks with mom. and all the important life values she has instilled upon me. (although yeah, i sometimes conveniently forget about these.)
* my first poem. ‘february 10′. and the discovery of my passion for writing. setting: my pink room, cotabato.
* our first ever complete family reunion. setting: ancestral house, alcala, cagayan. mango tree. heirlooms. water pumps. carabaos. blessed river. soul food.
* farah-moments. drunken blabbers and alcohol-ridden tears.
* pre-HS grad bonding sessions with the characters of my childhood and adolescence. acet results. singing ‘our last song together’. ethno-modern dance practices. math olympiad review sessions.  setting: aes in all our yellow-and-blue glory.
* college memories. roomie talks. earl, jade, loraine. the taste of my first ciggie drag. getting drunk on a junior pitcher of tia maria’s zombie on my first night in college. climbing over gate 3 of admu. matanglawin room escapades. comm dept lunacies. blockmates. orgmates (entablado agnas sa laman rehearsals, atsca tutorials, matanglawin deadlines, cersa activities all year round). oral exams and long tests. thesis and defense. eliazo/cervini.
* the object of my obsession, my stalkee, dbt. writing poetry and stuff. learning how to roller blade. knowing who pantera, rage against the machine, sepultura and slayer are. experiencing impassioned jealousy for the first time in my life.
* the feeling of having disappointed and hurt someone beyond belief. the relationship is beyond repair now, but im glad that things have turned out well for you. the kids look adorable. setting: admu, 95.
* my first real relationship, along with my first real romantic pain. i have loved him with the most innocent of loves. and he has hurt me with a cruel blow, and my idealism died. setting: aes, 94.
* fighting for what i believe in. although in retrospect, i don’t think it’s worth it. but i learned a lot from it. coping, dealing, hurting, anger, stress, time-management, lies, betrayal, fear, throwing caution to the wind, love. setting: limbo, my teen years.
* my birthdays. 8th: spent in a restaurant somewhere in downtown cotabs, with playmates and cousins. 11th: spent in tuguegarao with family. 18th: spent at home, had a simple party, received monetary compensation for voluntary renunciation of debut party. [note to self: you like having your cake and eating it too.] 21st: friends threw a surprise birthday celebration in my pad then got unbelievably drunk in the post-birthday party in tgif robinson’s place. 22nd: friends threw a surprise birthday celebration in batangas. 23rd: friends threw a surprise birthday celebration in dencio’s robinsons place. 24th: then boyfriend threw a surprise birthday dinner. 26th: friends ambushed me at the office then had a surprise dinner with me. 27th: friends threw a surprise poetry party and i was treated like a princess.
* the craziest things i ever did for gugma: gave up work in intel, jewelmer, manila bulletin, abscbn and mccann-erickson. worked in moldex. took off for tagaytay without a single centavo in my pocket. impassioned fights galore. sneaking out. being absofuckinglutely crazy!!     really.
* the first person who ever called me his lucky charm. moments of sharing with me aling lorna tales. lilo and stitch. knowing without fully knowing. i was hurt. so was he. but his chutzpah is admirable. saludo ako, promise.
* white knight. riding on a steed, saving me. galera moments. hurdling bliss literally. sunday family days. shopping escapades. unearthing sleazy pictures in digital folders. tomas morato. munich.
* my gid memories. i have watched the best years of her life unfold before my eyes. and i learned important things from her experiences as well. there is no one on earth i can tell absolutely anything but her.
* and my baxter. recent memories are still fresh. thus i jot everything down in my journal so i won’t forget. even laugh lines, eye crinkles, hair scents, little words, groans, every minute detail. please don’t make me forget.

and so i document these memories because i am thankful that i still have them with me, to visit every once in a while and see where the essential life lessons were taught. some are to be recalled with fondness, some with disdain, some with glee and though some ought to be forgotten, i hold them tight nonetheless.

and as homage to those experiences i can no longer remember, i write this entry.

*************

to jon, may you be healed soon.